And Then We Came To The End

...well... not really the end, just a redirection... and if you have yourself bookmarked to mariaink.com it should be no problem... my new blog is hosted on tumblr... and you should get redirected right to there.

This is old news!!!!

My view from my curent favorite library seat. Rainy day, a-reading & a-writing.

Excerpts from my Diary

I'm keeping an ACTUAL diary this year, like in the traditional sense where every single day I write down what I did that day or what I'm thinking. Right now, I'm typing it up and I've gotten through March. It's sixteen single-spaced pages, and my wrist hurts.

Anyway, I thought I'd provide some excerpts -- just sentences I extracted from different days (in order by month and day) that made me laugh or think or consider.

January

2. Maybe the best part of the day is the morning when you can wake when you want and drink four cups of coffee in your PJs until 2pm. That is what my life is like.

9. NYC makes me nervous, but once I am there I feel special and fierce.

11. Mom told me that when the first calculators came out Dad bought one and brought it to work and then did all of the problems in the little book that came with it.

14. Got overwhelemed about eating again. How can it be that you have to eat 3+x/day?! It takes so much energy.

21. When I said I couldn't’ sing he said that’s what people who are afraid to communicate and express themselves say. I said almost nothing I actually wanted to say. Leaving him at the bus stop, I felt sad and empty.

25. Ahhh, worked on “A Short History” all day! I took two showers though (as I did yesterday – something about showers and writing). I did not cease for meals, but ate them standing.

27. Workshop was fine – beer and donuts.

28. Maybe I am into 30 year olds who look like they’re from the 70s.

29. Showered, coffeed, facebooked, tylenoled.

31. Today, I feel as if I know how to write a poem, a story. I feel as if I know it well, could do it again, could do it always. The secret has something to do with images and examples and clarity. This feeling, I know, is fleeting. Still, it feels like real knowledge.

February

6. I woke and finished the E’s in my Dictionary. I reviewed half of the D’s and all of the E’s.

10. Workshop went fine and then I was starving so I went home and ate, and then thought I’d be able to write but was kind of depressed and craving humans.

12. I ordered a pizza. Then we chatted about the state of American poetry and then I went to bed.

16. People said I looked good – must’ve been the eyeliner.

20. Went to Ihop to work for a few hours and ate pancakes which were SO GOOD. Best decision I have made all week.

24. Actually spent much of the morning researching over-the-counter anti-anxiety meds.

26. My tooth ached. I tried to sleep to no avail. I read Robert Lowell by the force of my own hand and saw where Allen Ginsberg came from.

27. Felt good and terrible. Wanted to rip my tooth out. Read a lot of poetry .

28. Liquid nourishment only.

March

4. I woke up early and tried to go to an appointment for a study. They didn’t take me because I don’t drink enough! But I got $10.

6. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I said, but I did anyway.

8. Then some homeless people got in a fight over our attentions and pulled a box cutter. We left.

12. We ate breakfast on the empty boat – first fruit in days.

14. Clothes in laundry. Painted half my nails leopard print, then got bored. Went to sleep around 1:30 am. Made to-do list for tomorrow. Thought about how great Tennessee was.

17. At home, I got back on the computer, oh and ate too much soup.

31. I thought about how I was getting myself in another stupid situation with no possible good ending.

Back from the dead, baby. April was bad to me, or I was bad to April — either way we didn't get along. But now it's May. I think I've done more in the past three days than I did in the whole of April. I read, I wrote, I ran. I even did my laundry. Sleeping will be a good idea, and that's what I'm going to do next. I love stories, poetry, and writing, and for a brief moment I feel as if I understand how it's all done. I'm returning to my trusty, annoyingly-productive self. That's the one I like best and the one I know best. Don't go away, Self. We're gonna have funnnn.

The main things I miss from New York: bubble tea, clothing discount, lime green walls, LIRRing passed the World's Fair Grounds, adventuring through Manhattan w/friends.

What color shirt are you wearing?	Bright green.
Name three things that are physically close to you:	diet coke, roll of tape, one of my poems
What is the last book you read?	The Original of Laura by ("by"?) Nabokov
Are you or were you a good student?	Was too good for my own good.
What's your favorite sport?	To play? Badminton. To watch? Gymnastics.
Do you enjoy sleeping late?	I hate being awoken by alarm, but I like to get up naturally mid-morning.
What's the weather like right now?	drizzly & dark
Who tells the best jokes?	Aunt Mer tells some pretty funny stories.
What was the last thing you dreamed about?	Someone stole my car with my car keys with my house keys on them and knew where I lived.
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?	Yes, I drive. Once someone brushed the side of my car. I stopped. He got out and yelled at me and it was his fault and I still felt terrible.
Do you believe in karma?	I believe that what goes around only sometimes comes around.
Do you believe in luck?	I believe that luck is a huge part of life. (But the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get.)
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?	Usually scrambled.
Do you collect anything? If so, what?	books, pictures of cute outfits from magazines, cow-related things (? I know ?), bright colors (kind of)
Are you proud of yourself?	Less than I'd like to be.
Are you reliable?	Too reliable for my own good.
Have you ever given money to a bum?	Yes, & food.
What's your favorite food?	Chocolate.
Have you ever had a secret admirer?	I don't think so.
Do you like the smell of gasoline?	Yes (& permanent markers).
Do like to draw?	Yes, but mostly doodles & books these days.
What's your favorite invention?	I do love the Gutenberg printing press. (Took a special trip to see one the Gutenberg bibles.)
Is your room messy?	Not neat, per se, but orderly.
What do you like better: oranges or apples?	Oranges, I guess.
Do you give in easily?	There is one of my biggest anomalies. Often, I'm as flexible as a rubberband. Occasionally I am so stubborn it is impossible to change my mind.
Are you a good guesser?	I tend to have good intuition.
Can you read other people's expressions?	Usually.
Are you a bully?	No.
Do you have a job?	Writing?
What time did you wake up this morning?	9:30
What did you eat for breakfast this morning?	Toast
When was the last time you showered?	Yesterday after my run :/
What do you plan on doing tomorrow?	run, write, read, procrastinate
What's your favorite day of the week and why?	It used to be Friday -- all the anticipation of the weekend without the sadness of it being so closed to the end.
Do you have any nicknames?	Buffy, Ria
Have you ever been scuba diving?	No.
What's your least favorite color?	beige?!
Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?	Someones?
Would you ever go skydiving?	No.
What toothpaste do you use?	Sale!
Do you enjoy challenges?	YES, but mostly only if I make them up for myself.
What's the worst injury you have had?	Broken arm.
What's the last movie you saw?	RENT (part of), The Witches of Eastwick (all of)
What do you want to know about the future?	Too afraid to know.
What does your last text message say?	"Yes sir"
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?	My brother
What's your favorite school subject?	English
What's your least favorite school subject?	Math
Would you rather have money or love?	Love
What is your dream vacation?	I keep imagining going across Russia by train. For some reason. I know nothing about it.
What is your favorite animal?	Gorilla.
Do you miss anyone right now?	Yes.
What's the last sporting event you watched?	?!
Do you need to do laundry?	Almost always.
Do you listen to the radio?	Sometimes, in the car.
Where were you when 9/11 happened?	High school history class, sophomore year.
What do you do when vending machines steal your money?	Sulk to myself.
Have you ever caught a butterfly?	Maybe?
What color are your bed sheets?	Royal purple.
What's your ringtone?	A ring.
Who was the last person to make you laugh?	Cecilia
Do you have any obsessions right now?	Deborah Eisenberg's short story collection.
Do you like things that glow in the dark?	Yes. Used to have glow stars on my ceiling. Just purchased glow bracelets. Enjoy fireflies.
What's your favorite fruity scent?	Raspberry
Do you watch cartoons?	Not too often.
Have you ever sat on a roof?	Yes. Been on the roof of a hospital, too.
Have you ever been to a different country?	Denmark & Canada.
Name three things in the world you dislike:	unwarranted judgmentalness & unkindness, close-minded religion
Name three people in the world you dislike:
Has a rumor even been spread about you?	yes
Do you like sushi?	yes
Do you believe in magic?	no
Do you hold grudges?	sort of

Mom: Well if it is not you then who is it?

Me: if what’s not me??

Mom: The message next to your name says, “There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.”

Me: Oh. I’ll let you know if I figure it out.

Mom: Well we know it must be somebody interesting.

I have just been informed that I haven't updated my blog since January. I am now answering 24 random questions that the internet has provided me in an effort to have a March update. Not very exciting, but at least it's new :).

1. What was the highlight of your week?

Not having a deadly illness!

2. Whose car were you in last?
Shawn's rental

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Hard to say.

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
grey

5. How long is your hair?
below shoulders

6. Are you good looking?
not right now

7. Last movie you watched?
Walk the Line

8. Who were you with?
Myself & my temperature

9. Last thing you ate?
salad

10. Last thing you drank?
cranberry juice & seltzer

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
heart valve, more like it.

12. Who came over last?
Matthew & Shawn!

13. Are you happy right now?
headache!

14. What did you say last?
hard to remember?

15. Where is your phone?
in my purse

16. What color are your eyes?
still blue

17. Are you left-handed?
no

18. Spell your name without vowels:
Mr

19. Do you have any pets?
not unless you count the housedogs, Ollie & Simba

20. Favorite Vacation?
Tennessee! hahaha.

21. What do you dislike currently?
being sick

22. What are you listening to?
silence

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
full health & the writing bug

24. What is your favorite scent?
spring

movies

Snowy night in Charlottesville... and I'm in the list-making mood (when am I not?!).

So... a facebook thing...

1. Pick 20 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. People can guess.

1. "In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway."

2. "I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school. What a lame-o. Someone really should just put him out of his misery."

3. "The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. 'Vámonos, amigos,' he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight."

4. "Look - you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. That's not a threat; now, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you."

5. "I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way."

6. "I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England."

7. "Listen, don't take refuge in one-liners like 'you're the doctor'. Okay? Because that pisses me off."

8. "School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid."

9. "'From General Li. Dear Son, we're waiting for the Huns at the pass. It would mean a lot if you'd come and back us up.' Hmm, that's great, except you forgot, 'And since we're out of potpourri, perhaps you wouldn't mind bringing up some.' Hello! This is the army! Make it sound more urgent, please!"

10. "I woke up this morning, you know... and the sun was shining, and it was nice, and all that type of stuff. And the first thing, I saw you, and, uh, I said, 'Boy, this is gonna be one terrific day, so you better live it up, because tomorrow you'll be nothing.' You see? And I almost was."

11. "Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still?"

12. "I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."

13. "What do you care about my opinion? If you're a real painter, you'll paint because you can't live without painting. You'll paint till you die."

14. "I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!"

15. "She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?"

16. "I think I understand your feelings about this book. I used to have some problems with it, myself. When I read it in grad school, Madam Bovary just seemed like a fool. She marries the wrong man; makes one foolish mistake after another; but when I read it this time, I just fell in love with her. She's trapped! She has a choice: she can either accept a life of misery or she can struggle against it. And she chooses to struggle."

17. "If you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."

18. "Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, 'He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man,' or 'That's not a diamond, it's just a rock.' Just."

19. "So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it."

20. "And all this charming bullshit. This Big Tim, Uncle Boss bullshit... and I know you love him and I know why... but when you see him like that you don't have to worry... because that's not how it's going to be for you. You're not going to be one of these people who goes through life wondering why shit keeps falling out of the sky around them."

Well, that took entirely too long... but I enjoy movie quotes!

time well spent, as usual

I just memorized all of the presidents of the united states in order. This is because I purchased the presidential flash cards at the "One Spot" (ie $1) at Target. Now I wish I had purchased the US geography set, to learn state capitals.

There are some facts on the backs of the cards, including a favorite of mine, that Millard Fillmore read the dictionary during breaks as a young mill worker. Oh, and Martin Van Buren is the only president whose first language wasn't English (it was Dutch). I am trying to learn some of the facts now and also what they look like.

Over break I read 6 complete novels, and finished 3 other novels. That is more than I read during the entire semester in which I read only four novels (3 of them pretty short), one play, and two complete poetry collections (though I did read a lot of short stories and other things).

Ahhh, something is wrong with me when I get too into categorizing & calculating & making lists! I am also close to being done with first season of BIG LOVE, and while I was snowed in in C-ville I finished a season of MAD MEN and the first season of TRUE BLOOD. So, I'm also a tv-whore. But I was also drawing books while watching TV. Except for today, when I watched an episode of BIG LOVE while memorizing the presidents (Woodrow Wilson -- only president with a PhD).

I only wrote 1.5 stories over break. The .5 may not really be halfway done, so that is a generous assessment. I wanted to write 4. But, in fact, I still have a week of break left over to potentially complete this goal.