Excerpts from my Diary

I'm keeping an ACTUAL diary this year, like in the traditional sense where every single day I write down what I did that day or what I'm thinking. Right now, I'm typing it up and I've gotten through March. It's sixteen single-spaced pages, and my wrist hurts.

Anyway, I thought I'd provide some excerpts -- just sentences I extracted from different days (in order by month and day) that made me laugh or think or consider.

January

2. Maybe the best part of the day is the morning when you can wake when you want and drink four cups of coffee in your PJs until 2pm. That is what my life is like.

9. NYC makes me nervous, but once I am there I feel special and fierce.

11. Mom told me that when the first calculators came out Dad bought one and brought it to work and then did all of the problems in the little book that came with it.

14. Got overwhelemed about eating again. How can it be that you have to eat 3+x/day?! It takes so much energy.

21. When I said I couldn't’ sing he said that’s what people who are afraid to communicate and express themselves say. I said almost nothing I actually wanted to say. Leaving him at the bus stop, I felt sad and empty.

25. Ahhh, worked on “A Short History” all day! I took two showers though (as I did yesterday – something about showers and writing). I did not cease for meals, but ate them standing.

27. Workshop was fine – beer and donuts.

28. Maybe I am into 30 year olds who look like they’re from the 70s.

29. Showered, coffeed, facebooked, tylenoled.

31. Today, I feel as if I know how to write a poem, a story. I feel as if I know it well, could do it again, could do it always. The secret has something to do with images and examples and clarity. This feeling, I know, is fleeting. Still, it feels like real knowledge.

February

6. I woke and finished the E’s in my Dictionary. I reviewed half of the D’s and all of the E’s.

10. Workshop went fine and then I was starving so I went home and ate, and then thought I’d be able to write but was kind of depressed and craving humans.

12. I ordered a pizza. Then we chatted about the state of American poetry and then I went to bed.

16. People said I looked good – must’ve been the eyeliner.

20. Went to Ihop to work for a few hours and ate pancakes which were SO GOOD. Best decision I have made all week.

24. Actually spent much of the morning researching over-the-counter anti-anxiety meds.

26. My tooth ached. I tried to sleep to no avail. I read Robert Lowell by the force of my own hand and saw where Allen Ginsberg came from.

27. Felt good and terrible. Wanted to rip my tooth out. Read a lot of poetry .

28. Liquid nourishment only.

March

4. I woke up early and tried to go to an appointment for a study. They didn’t take me because I don’t drink enough! But I got $10.

6. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I said, but I did anyway.

8. Then some homeless people got in a fight over our attentions and pulled a box cutter. We left.

12. We ate breakfast on the empty boat – first fruit in days.

14. Clothes in laundry. Painted half my nails leopard print, then got bored. Went to sleep around 1:30 am. Made to-do list for tomorrow. Thought about how great Tennessee was.

17. At home, I got back on the computer, oh and ate too much soup.

31. I thought about how I was getting myself in another stupid situation with no possible good ending.